Miranda Tedholm, 17, NJGold Award, Humor
After much debate, conclusion inevitable: verbs bad. The procurement of an accurate depiction of society much easier without them. Reflection of society: passive. No action…like us.
Perhaps your thoughts, “Impossible! What a silly essay writer! In existence a need for verbs in speech! Speech of third grade English teacher Mrs. Smith confirmation for that idea! Verbs good! No possibility of coherent speech without them! Without verbs, pretty good imitation of Yoda! And nothing more! No more erudition, no more delicacy in language! Language a broken mirror, litter of fragments on the page!”
Ah, faithful reader, my answer to that: erudition possible without verbs. More difficult, yes, but still possible. People no action affinity in their possession. So, why verb usage? Still big word use without. Like weight loss after amputation of leg: sixty pounds lighter, and still fat. Another special bonus, if we without verbs: no gangrene of actual thought. No guilt food for the soul. 50% grammar budget of before. Many words life without possible. Many of them verbs! Knowledge of verbs no possession by most American laypeople. For them, picture of happiness: beer plentiful, couch comfy, large-screen television. Their speech: “Verb? What that? Huh? Hey…me on TV?” So, for life easier and more efficient, and, marginally, more fun, elimination of verbs necessary. For those who possession of persistence in verb usage: ostracization necessary. No speech from us to them, but for “VERBS BAD! YOU VERB USAGE POSSESSION! OSTRACIZATION NECESSARY!” as reminder of transgression. A possibility: Special Verbs Bad Knowledge Acquisition Camps & Reebok Factories in the Mojave Desert. Maybe Stalinist Anti-Verb Purges. Or even little Red Book—really just Warriner’s, without all the verb chapters. Recitation from this book necessary upon the demand of a Verbs Bad Official. But, digression.
Verbs bad good critical thinking tool, also. Possible remedy for failing American schools. Soaring imagination at the thought of American schoolchildren’s performance on international Verbs Bad exams. For speech without verbs, knowledge of parts of speech necessary. Knowledge of many words (especially gerunds) necessary. Appearance of new thoughts and creative solutions to problems. Wrinkly brain acquisition after much verbs bad practice. Many new neuron connections. Altogether, a heightened consciousness and awareness, and all because verbs no longer in use.
A language with verbs but without nouns? Impossible. A language with verbs, but no prepositions? Incomprehensible. The English language without adjectives and with verbs? Possibility, but result: many upset teenaged girls and delightful, flowery, passionate, verbose and unemployed romance novel writers. And in existence, much more confusion. Elimination of verbs from language, however, and still comprehensible speech patterns in existence. And how appropriate—lack of verbs a reflection of the themes of society. Fragments on the floor, blood from sharp edges. When commencement of reconstruction of mirror? When elimination of verbs?
Elimination of verbs a “leg up” into intelligentsia, also. Your thoughts, now: What most detestable part of high school Latin or Spanish or French or German class? Verbs, of course. Conjugations and tenses and verb endings and irregular stems until the flight of pigs and blue faces. Perhaps Harvard acceptance letter for you, if no verbs in Spanish language.
Conclusion: Verbs bad. Adjectives good, nouns very good, gerunds vital, articles negligible, adverbs even acceptable under certain circumstances. But verbs, they still bad. Each verb a lie in a world where discovery of truth more difficult every hour. And always that mirror, the fragments on the floor, under our feet. Broken, but without possibility of repair? Perhaps no possibility of repair in existence. Until knowledge of the answer, verbs bad and their elimination a vital goal. Americans, presentation of you more accurate without verbs. Insistence mine that you abandonment of verbs possession yours immediately!
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